Knowing Death

I have known death in many ways throughout my life.  It seems to come and go like a cold winter - leaving behind the constant reminder of the loss of things that were good and beautiful.  It changes life and people and direction.  I view death much differently now than I did as a child.  It was a scary thing, something I feared getting to know, but now it’s more like an old acquaintance, something that I am familiar with in an uncomfortable way, something that I am always aware of.

Before the day of our ultrasound, I honestly believed that God would not test me in this way.  The loss of a child was something that would ruin me.  I thought we had an understanding of each other, that He knew me, and would not give me more than I could bare.  That is not true.  God does, and will give you more than you can bare.  And it is your choice to stand up and bare it, to fold your arms together and fight it, or just plain fall apart.  I seem to circle between baring it, fighting it and falling apart on a daily basis.   

I have felt at times that God hated me, that He truly wanted to push my face into the mud and smother me.  I sometimes feel like He finds humor in my struggle only to hand me another one and laugh some more.  What was his point behind all this?  What reason could he possibly have for for allowing such intense hurt that has me on my knees begging for relief.

At other times, I have felt His unbelievable love for me.  His quiet way of strengthening me day by day with tender kicks from my baby, soft gestures of love from my children, and an unbelievable amount of energy to for a woman of 41 that is 32 weeks pregnant.  I know that Satan is standing near waiting for me to fall, I can feel his presence.  He wants to ruin me with this, destroy my family.  He can sense both my weakness and my strength, so each day I wake up, put my feet on the ground, and I just keep breathing.  

" God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty"  -Peter Marshall

I live daily knowing that my father in heaven has a plan for my baby boy.  It's a plan that I probably will not like, one that will leave me cleaving to Earth in tears, and it will leave us all forever changed, but it will not change my love for Him.

Our God is a God of miracles.